Have you ever felt God’s absence? I never had in my life. I grew up in a Christian home, was baptized when I was 9, and lived my whole life knowing and seeking God. I have been through many trials in my life each with God bringing me through closer to Him and with a deeper faith. All of these trials have been more difficult then my current one. Which is what puzzled me at first as to why this trial seemed to way so heavily on my husband and I.
Let me back up a bit, every year for the past few years I’ve asked God for a word of the year instead of a New Year’s resolution. For 2019 I felt Him give me “dreams” as our word of the year. The year started off well enough with 2 dreams quickly realized. I became a notary, which I‘ve wanted to do for awhile. Also, we purchased a building for our business, which was anther long time dream of ours.
We were starting the year off strong, but little did I know we would be in for a year of disappointments, battles, frustrations and bruises. It was nothing big or any giant thing, just one small defeat after another like waves constantly knocking us down, then getting back up to be knocked down again by something else. We have always prayed for God to guide us and to give us wisdom and to help a lead a life that honors Him. Through all other trials in my life I felt very close to God in my despair. This time, however was different. We finally recognized the Spiritual battle that was occurring in our lives. However, when we cried out to God, our cries went unanswered. This has been the hardest part of this trial, feeling like God was not there with us. I had never felt God’s absence before and it is truly devastating. Having God in my life for so long has made me take Him for granted. If this is what a non-Christian’s life it like, to walk without God’s peace and comfort, then I want none of it. I can’t understand why anyone would choose to live without God. However, for whatever reason this was how we were feeling in the midst of this trial.
We still needed to close the loan for the construction part of the building we had purchased many months before. It was like fighting an uphill battle with hoop after hoop to jump through and obstacle after obstacle to overcome. It was exhausting and though it moved forward inch by inch there was a deadline of moving out of our current space looming over our heads. It was like God lead us to this point with the building purchase and then just left us. There were no major problems to where we felt a door being closed by Him, it was just His absence that we felt. One annoyance and delay after another. We had started this process with more than a year left on our lease thinking that would give us plenty of time and now we were running against the clock with each week passing us bye as it mocked us with constant disappointment and anxiety. I’m a planner and this plan was foolproof. However, now we were out of time with still no end in sight. We needed God to step up and carry us through like He always had and yet He was silent. Our church was going through a series called “The Real God,” unpacking a different attribute of God found in scripture. Each week’s serman was like it was for us. It is one thing to know the truth about God and another to feel Him in your life.
Until now, I have always felt God right beside me, also knowing that He is good, just, wise, and loving. In feeling his absence, we have had to lean on our knowledge that is found all through-out scripture of how “He will never leave or forsake us,” “He works for the good of all who love Him,” and countless others. One day, I awoke and David’s palms came to mind. He was chosen as the king of God’s people but had to endure many trials of King Saul trying to kill him. His words of anguish are poetically mixed with his songs of Praise. It was very comforting to read his pain but how he always landed on the truth of God’s goodness and love. Go read Psalms 13:1-6. As humans, we often get stuck on the “why” of our circumstances. Why is God not answering me? What did I do wrong? In the Garden of Eden, Satan didn’t try to convince Eve that God was not real, all he had to do was to get her to doubt God’s goodness. My husband and I were feeling like God stepped back and let us be attacked all the while wondering, “why?” When we get caught up on the “why” we lose sight of the “who.” “God’s ways are as far above our ways as the heavens are above the earth.” We may never know the “why.” And if our faith rests on knowing the “why” that’s not strong faith that will weather the storms. Real faith is trusting God and believing in His promises when there is no “why.”
Year of dreams..? I still think so. Deep down, I used to think that if God was with you in something then it would be smooth sailing. Not that life wouldn’t have trials but that if a dream was in God’s plan it would just happen. I now know that is not true. Just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it’s not in God’s will or that He is not with you in it. Some dreams are worth the fight! However the flip side of that truth coin is also true, that without God with you, you can spin your wheels and never get anywhere. We are moving slowly and steadily forward with no obstacle insurmountable, but another hurtle to make it over. In the middle of the battle, I have learned: feelings cannot be trusted! Only truth can be trusted! I have had to lean on my knowledge of the truth about God in scripture and not my feelings. My feelings say, “God you aren’t following my good plans.” Truth says, “God your plans are so much better than my plans it’s impossible to comprehend.” My feelings say, “God you don’t love me and you don’t care about me.” Truth says, “God so loved me that he gave his only Son so that I may have eternal life.” “You care for the sparrow and the flower how much more will you care for me.” My feelings say “God you are causing me undue anxiety and stress, why?” Truth says, “God I can trust you no matter what.” “Do not be anxious about anything but in everything with thanksgiving by prayer and petition present your requests to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus.” Truth says, “Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight!!” Feelings can and often do lie to us. We have to land back on the truth that we know to get us past the feelings that are not there.
God wants to make us whole and complete in our faith. I am leaning on His truth and learning that truth sets us free from feelings. That is real, mature faith, when you can say “God I know you are with me even when I don’t feel you! Your love never fails.” Even though I don’t know when this trial will end, I do know “This to shall pass,” and I will repeat the truth over and over until we overcome this battle. I will “consider it great joy when I face trials of many kinds because I know that the testing of my faith produces perseverance that I may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” This is a unique trial but I will let God refine me through the fire. I say these words “God, your plans are better than my plans. You are with me, even with I don’t feel you. I can trust you no matter what! Your love never fails.”
I’ve never liked to phrase “not today, Satan” because I felt that it mocked the real spiritual battle going on in our lives and gave Satan more power than he deserved. This trial has taught me to see that there is a true spiritual battle and that Satan is strong and will try his hardest to get me to doubt God’s goodness. However, I can say with confidence and truth “Not, today Satan! You will not get me to doubt my God because you have blocked me from feeling Him.” My faith is deeper than that!!! Satan may be strong, but God is stronger and this may be a spiritual battle, but the war is already won!!! “In this world you will face trials of many kinds but fear not for I have overcome the world!!” So whatever you are facing, you are not facing it alone and God is always with you even if you don’t feel Him. Feelings cannot always be trusted, only trust Truth!!!
Courtney Hill
UPDATE: A few weeks after I wrote this I had an intense spiritual battle. I called on every aspect of my spiritual armor and finally I felt a crack in the oppression. God, in giving us His Spirit, gave us the armor and tools to fight and defend ourselves in spiritual battle. I called upon the helmet of Salvation - I knew that I was saved from hell and from evil. The breastplate of righteousness - I was doing right in the eyes of God and trying to follow is will for my life. The belt of truth - this is what held me up when I could not stand on my own. Knowing and repeating the truths of God that I know. The shield of faith - my faith in the Almighty would protect me in this battle. The sword or the spirit - this is what I called on the slay the evil one's oppression over me. (Ephesians 6:10-17) Never in my life had I clung to these tools as I did in this moment. God had given me the power to break the oppression through His Spirit. The loan and construction journey was not over but the oppression was. I could feel God's presence once more and my hope was returned. I never want to feel that isolation ever again, but it made me appreciated God's presents in my life on a much deeper level and I can tell you, I will never take it for granted again. My God is always there, even when I don't feel Him. I have learned to trust Him with everything in my life. His plans are better than my plans. His love never fails. He can do so much more than I could ask or even imagine!! To God be the Glory! Amen.
UPDATE 2: We were able to close on our loan at the end of October 2019. Construction started soon after and was completed mid February 2020. Our word for 2020 is timing. We have already seen a lot from God regarding this word. 2020 has been a doozy, but God took what happened last year and made it work for our good in the trying times of 2020. He is worthy of praise and will see you through.